Choosing hope and possibility by re-writing our old stories
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When you embark on a process of change and growth, at some point you will confront the old patterns that keep you stuck. That feeling of "stuckness" is the tension between who you were and who you are becoming. These old patterns exist for a reason. At some point in your life they served you. They kept you safe or prevented you from getting in trouble. They were useful or the patterns wouldn't have emerged in the first place. But, even though they served a purpose at one time, that doesn't mean they are serving you now.
To change these patterns often requires revisiting the stories that helped build them. What stories do you tell yourself about why a certain pattern of yours exists? Where did this behavior originate, and what story formed around it? If you think back to an early memory of this behavior ask yourself these questions and see what comes up:
What did you observe? (Describe the experience as a reporter would, what are the facts only?)
What were you telling yourself at the time? (Story/Narrative)
What did you do as a result? (Behavior)
What happened in the end? (Outcome)
Pay special attention to the observable facts you listed. Are there other stories or narratives that could explain those facts? How many alternative stories could explain them? Consider how the resulting behavior would be different if the story were different. Then consider how the outcomes would change with new behavior.
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At this point, the idea is to expand the scope of possibilities. Instead of feeling stuck in an inevitable pattern with our old stories, we want to consider... what else could be? Have you known anyone in a similar situation who made different choices with different outcomes? Consider what stories they might have told themselves about what they observed.
Once we see the many new possibilities, it's easy to beat ourselves up for our old behaviors. Bur remember — those old stories exist for a reason. Usually they serve as protection or prevention. What were you trying to protect or prevent with your story? How did that serve you? If you can, offer some gratitude for the ways that the old story helped keep you safe and well.
Now ask yourself — is this story still serving you? If the answer is yes, then it might not be time to retire it yet. If the answer is maybe, dive into specificity. Under what circumstances is it still useful, and where would a new story serve you better? If the answer is no, it's time to re-write the story. The beauty is, you can re-write, edit, and tweak these stories as often as you like. You are not a fixed, unchanging person, and neither are your stories.
To start, call to mind a recent example when your old pattern emerged and didn't result in a desired outcome. Ask yourself:
What would you like to have happened in the end? (Outcome)
What could you have done differently to have achieved this outcome? (Behavior)
What would need to shift in how you see yourself? (Identity)
What could you tell yourself next time this happens? (Story)
What would you observe if ‘this’ were the case? (Experience)
As you begin to peel back the layers, you will notice the events that trigger the old patterns, behaviors, and stories. It starts with noticing. When you notice, you can begin to create space. Space to tell the new story, support your new sense of self, choose different behaviors, and experience different outcome. This will not happen overnight. It takes practice and repetition. You may choose to put yourself in situations where you have the opportunity to practice. The more you notice, pause, and choose the new story, the easier it will be. And soon enough, your new story will just be a part of who you are and how you see yourself.
Our stories are powerful and impact our lives in positive and negative ways. If we told ourselves (and believed) a different story, how might our lives be different? It's time to choose the stories that support the life you are called to live.
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